How to Write and Deliver a Eulogy

Being asked to give a eulogy is an honour and, for most people, a genuinely daunting one. Here is how to approach it, from someone who has heard a great many of them.

Start by gathering, not writing

Do not open a blank page and try to compose. Instead, spend an evening collecting material. Ring two or three people who knew them and ask what they remember. Look through photographs. Jot down anything that comes to mind, in any order, however small.

You will find the small things are the good ones. The way they answered the phone. What they always said when someone was leaving the house. The thing they were unreasonably proud of.

Find the shape

Most eulogies work best around a simple structure. Either walk through their life roughly chronologically, or — often better — pick two or three qualities that defined them and tell a short story illustrating each one. Stories land; lists of adjectives do not.

You do not need to cover everything. A eulogy is not an obituary, and trying to include every job, every address and every grandchild’s name makes for a flat piece.

Length

Three to five minutes is plenty. That is roughly 400 to 700 words. It will feel far too short while you are writing it and exactly right on the day.

Humour is allowed

It is more than allowed — it is often what the family remembers afterwards. If the person was funny, being funny about them is a form of accuracy. The only test is whether they would have laughed.

Read it aloud before the day

This is the single most useful thing you can do. Reading aloud catches the sentences that look fine written down and tie your tongue when spoken. Do it two or three times, ideally to another person.

On the day

• Print it in large type. Bigger than you think you need. Number the pages and do not staple them.
• Take a bottle of water up with you.
• Go slower than feels natural. Nerves speed everyone up.
• If you cry, stop and breathe. Nobody minds. Nobody is judging you. The room is entirely on your side — pause as long as you need and then carry on.
• Have a back-up. Ask someone to be ready to take over and finish reading if you cannot. Just knowing that is arranged makes it far less likely you will need it.

You do not have to do it

If you have been asked and you know it is beyond you right now, say so. That is not a failure. The celebrant or minister can read your words for you, which means you still say what you wanted to say without having to stand up and say it.

If you would like help preparing, or would prefer someone else to deliver it, talk to us — call Robert on 07599 46 26 49.